Oh crap, it’s me
What disturbs you most? What sets you off?
When my daughter doesn’t get dressed for school and makes us late. When my son hits instead of using his words. When my husband chooses to hang out with friends instead of family. When my kids just don’t listen, or actively choose to do the opposite of what I tell them. When the babysitter gives us the cold shoulder.
Come on guys, you’re making me look (and feel) like crap!
When I asked myself what triggers me, I quickly pointed the finger to everyone else. You are what trigger me, you must be the problem. How easy it is to blame others for our own reactions, but how pointless and broken it truly is.
As I have been reading Awakened Family by Shefali Tsabary, I had that “oh crap” moment of realization that I have it all wrong. We have become so conditioned to believing that our reactions are our children’s fault that we transfer ownership of our own issues to our kids. I am guilty. I react repeatedly in a robotic way: trigger, reaction, remedy. But the remedy has been focused entirely in the wrong direction.
When Brynne loses her shit over a rampant sock and I react out of anger, frustration, bribes and threats I find myself ignoring the “why” behind what I can control and attempting to control her instead. We are trained to think that our kids intentionally push our buttons, that there is some sort of malice behind their actions, but they are simply living their own sense of self. That sock is her own mortal enemy. She is having her own internal struggle and she needs to learn how to work through that herself, but my reaction to her struggle is NOT her problem. The problem is not my child’s behavior. The problem is personal - what is it about the situation that set me off?
It’s not fair of me to heap blame on others for my reactions. When I look objectively at my triggers, I can reason that my family members’ flaws make me look bad and that stresses me out. It’s only when I start to examine why “looking bad” is a source of anxiety that I can make any fruitful progress to changing patterns.
Our children are truly mirrors. They are here to teach us just as much as we believe we are here to teach them. My latest lesson… realizing that my desire for control often takes over and amplifies dramatic situations. When I am in the middle of meltdown madness, I must remind myself to let go of the power struggle and recognize that the only issues I can control are my own. It is easier said than done when you feel your emotions rising, yet I know that if I want to change negative dynamics, I need to stop pointing fingers and, instead, look at myself.
Next time I am engaged in an epic battle and want to point a finger (or give a finger) I hope I find the strength to look within and examine my own triggers… perhaps you’ll try it too.
