I Survived

“You can do anything for 30 seconds”

When I went into labor with my first child, I remember our doula saying this to me. Anything for 30 seconds, huh? Duh, of course I can do anything for 30 seconds. This was, obviously, before actual labor kicked in. I labored for over 2 days, struggled through a failed induction, and cursed my “sunny side up” baby as I pushed for 4 and a half hours (did I mention she was born on Christmas Day?). OK, enough of the sob story, the point is - 30 seconds is a fucking lifetime when you are birthing a small human with no drugs.

Since then, I have so much more respect for 30 seconds. Truthfully, it’s not about the length of time, it’s about our willingness to endure the struggle. I tend to dive headfirst into projects, simplifying them to the broader steps I need to take to reach my end objective. The nerd in me loves process flows, business strategies, and actionable steps. When written at it’s highest form, anything seems possible… Step 1: Make baby. Step 2: Grow baby. Step 3: Birth baby. Step 4: Raise baby. But when I get tangled in the weeds and slowly sink into the mud beneath my feet, I panic.

I started my IGNITE program out of a desire for accountability, something to hold my feet to the fire when the going gets tough (as “they” say). I went into it knowing it is designed to be hard, understanding that it is meant to bring forth resistance, and fully aware that it would make me uncomfortable. I was totally cool with that… until said things actually started happening.

“I can totally write a children’s book,” I thought, “I can’t wait to learn more, grow, and dig in!” But as I uncovered one complexity after another, discovered yet another nuance that I had never quite considered, and grew closer to the point that I actually have to SHARE my words with the world - I froze. My mind instantly began backpedaling… “hold up kid, let’s just make something mediocre, slap it on Amazon as a self-published title and pretend it never even happened”. I immediately started searching for scapegoats, a subtle out from my commitment.

But, I suppose, what makes the IGNITE program successful is that damn accountability I signed up for at the start. These freakin’ people won’t actually LET me quit. So I took a deep breath for 30 seconds, and did the hard things. I contacted people and asked if they would be willing to read my work, I reached out to experts in the industry knowing that I have zero qualifications, and I took a step forward when I wanted to do nothing more than run the other direction.

And while I did get some “aww, that’s cute” sentiments and mocking responses (calling you out here, Hank!) - I was overwhelmingly welcomed, supported, and encouraged as I put myself out there despite my discomfort. Yes, I want to vomit when I think about continuing this project. Yes, I feel entirely unqualified and undeserving. Yes, I am resisting the heck out of this endeavor… but I can agree to put one foot forward each day. In the moments that I want to drop it all and quit, I can commit to those 30 seconds.

So to everyone who is wondering what the hell I am doing, guess what - me too! I am just grateful for your encouragement and the reminder that we can ALL do anything for 30 seconds, even if we think we can never survive it.